Busy being ill…
Category: cystic fibrosis
On colds, worlds and Glory
I’m sitting on a chair in the living room. I’ve just got dressed. It was a huge effort, much bigger than it should have been. I can’t speak. At least, when I try to nothing more than a croak comes out. My ears are misbehaving so that sounds seem more distant than I know they really are. I feel like I’m in a different world. My own private world. It’s lonely and it’s me-centred.
I don’t imagine that anyone likes being unwell. No, me neither. For one thing, it’s so annoying. Doesn’t my body know that I have things to do? Surely worlds will stop when I’m not there doing my bit. I am very important. Or perhaps not. Perhaps everything will carry on without me. It seems to be doing fine while I’m here sitting on my chair.
Well, ok. Maybe life doesn’t stop. But what about my opinions? I can’t speak, can’t enter conversations. I have things to say, worlds to change by my words, people to influence. But maybe they’re better off without my words. Maybe more of my words tear down than build up.
Being ill comes as a sharp reality check. Even though I know that my plans for myself aren’t guaranteed, it’s always a bit of a shock when God’s plans are different. When I have to cancel those dinner plans. Miss seeing those people. Keep those thoughts to myself.
Being ill tears down the wall of pride and self-importance that I like to build. Oh, I’m pretty quick at building it but God breathes and it crumbles beneath his glorious plans. I don’t like to see it crumble. In fact, I get pretty cross about the whole affair. Sure, I know what I’m supposed to do. I know the thank you prayers I’m supposed to pray. But seeing my wall fall down hurts. Every time.
Being ill pushes me along the path to Glory. It’s not a gentle push. It’s more like a poke with a cattle prod. I often try to resist it but, God be praised, he’s a lot stronger than I am.
I say this stuff. I believe this stuff. But I’m not sure that before I’m made new and perfect, before I meet Jesus I’ll even begin to really understand this. But as I sit here on my chair, I don’t have to understand it. I know that Glory is coming, and I’m getting a preview right now.
Reason to breathe
As I’ve got more ill over the past few weeks it’s been more difficult to breathe. Sometimes I just sit and have to concentrate on breathing in and breathing out. I’ve got to admit, at times like these it’s hard to believe that there’s a reason for all this. I’m pretty sure there is but it sure ain’t fun.
People often ask me how I stay positive or how I keep going. My answer is that there is no choice. I can’t just give up. I have to keep going and I may as well be positive about it most of the time.
Having said that, there are times when the last thing I feel like doing is being positive. Especially over the last 2 weeks as I’ve been back in hospital. I’ve had times when I’ve been so angry at everything, at my illness, at my pathetic lungs, at my lot in life and, yes, even at my God for allowing this all to happen. At least, for allowing this to happen to me. It’s easy to feel sorry for someone else when they’re ill but then you move on with your life and it doesn’t actually affect you that much. But when it’s you, that’s a whole different thing. And you have big questions that you think deserve answers right here, right now. And not getting those answers is hard. Really hard. But you have to keep going. You have no choice. You can’t just give up. And you may as well be positive about it.
And so when I sit there struggling to breathe, I need to remember that Jesus has been here first. That he struggled to breathe because he was dying on a cross for the sins of other people. That it was part of the plan for him and it sure wasn’t fun. And that I’m struggling to breathe because I too am part of that great plan. No, I’m not dying for the same reason but I can still stand with Jesus and say, ‘Father, not my will but yours be done.’ And I can say that knowing that his will is far greater and better than mine. I don’t know why right now but someday I will and I have no doubt that I’ll look back and exclaim with wonder and joy, ‘THAT was my reason to breathe.’
The Valley of Vision
Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine;
let me find Thy light in my darkness,
Thy life in my death,
Thy joy in my sorrow,
Thy grace in my sin,
Thy riches in my poverty,
Thy glory in my valley.
~ Arthur Bennett
On illness, marriage and traffic jams
As of yesterday David and I have been married 11 weeks. It feels like a very long time although I do realise we’re still very much novices! One of the reasons it feels so long is that we seem to have gone through a fair amount in those 11 weeks. People call the first year of marriage the honeymoon period and often expect that nothing bad will happen in that time if not a lot longer. And for lots of people this is true. But I’m one of those people who feel old at things fairly quickly. I’ve had certain struggles that not many people have to face this young and those have carried on into marriage and have got harder for both of us in a short space of time. I’m always ill at some level but I’ve been pretty ill for 8 of our 11 weeks and continue to be so. Nobody really knows why this is happening and this brings the uncertainty about our earthly future that we’ve always felt quite strongly even more close to home.
It’s an amazing thing when you believe in something so wonderful that you totally trust for the future. I walked down the stairs today and heard my two favourite Davids discussing how envious they were of the way I’ll realise a bit more than them just how fabulous the New Creation will be. ‘Just imagine how it will feel for her to run and breathe deeply without coughing.’ Haha, boys. There are perks of CF after all.
It never ceases to amaze me how when things are hard our Father’s care shows more deeply and shines more brightly. The small things are often the most amazing. Today we were coming back from visiting my parents and I wasn’t feeling great at all and was very keen to get back. We saw a sign on the M25 that warned us of an accident and therefore delays. I groaned inwardly and prepared myself for a very long trip. Soon we got to a point where the road splits and one lane separates from the other two. They were all pretty busy so David picked the one that separates and we settled ourselves down for a wait. But then our lane picked up speed and we travelled fast while the other two lanes were totally stationary. Eventually we passed the accident that had totally blocked the other two lanes and it was obvious that they weren’t going to be moving for a good long while. I looked at David and told him he’d picked a good choice of lane. David turned to me and said, ‘No, your Heavenly Father just knew that it wasn’t good for you to be in a car longer than you needed to today.’
The past 11 weeks have given me more proof (as if I really needed it) of how much God loves me. I never expected to be married. I never had a great view of myself anyway but add CF to the mix and I thought I was the last person that any man would ever choose. But then, with God’s prompting and in His plan, David came along. I never thought I would hear any man promise ‘in sickness and in health.’ But then, in God’s mercy, I did. And even in 11 weeks that’s already been tested. When they say marriage is hard, they’re not joking. Even after 11 weeks I can testify to that. But when they say that marriage is worth it, you’d better believe it. Because it’s so true.
God is good and there’s no denying it.
Servant leadership – a real life example
We talk and hear about servant leadership a great deal. I was listening to a sermon about it only the other Sunday.
I’ve been in hospital for the last two weeks and, when I’m there and I can, I go to St Paul’s, the Holy Trinity Brompton plant at Onslow Square. I very much enjoy it there especially because they have great music. But I digress. On that Sunday I took Esther along and we heard this sermon on servant leadership. We got back to the hospital and didn’t talk about it much more. Halfway through the afternoon we heard a knock on my door and a small old lady came in. She introduced herself as Margaret, one of the members of the hospital chaplaincy team. I wasn’t meant to go out of my room unless I was going outside the hospital building so wasn’t able to make it to the hospital service and so Margaret gave me a prayer card and assured me that they would pray for me at the service. She then left and Esther remarked on what a sweet lovely person she was. I asked Esther if she knew who that was and Esther replied that she didn’t. I told her that that sweet lovely old lady was in fact Professor Margaret Hodson, lead Cystic Fibrosis Professor in the UK and that she volunteered for the hospital chaplaincy service on Sundays.
Servant leadership indeed.
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